Motoring With Maggie

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It was smooth sailing down the New York State Thruway. Maggie had been quiet for almost 90 miles. Ninety miles of beautiful peace and quiet. Magster was not normally the silent type when driving. She’d rattle this off or that every few miles, sometimes more than that.

And repeating herself? Again and again, like a CD with a bad scratch that you could never fix. “I heard you the first time,” I’d sometimes say aloud, but I knew it fell on deaf ears. Most times I tried to ignore it. Most times. Today…today, for some reason, was different.

Maggie & I had been together a little over two years. Two years! I needed her, but I wish I didn’t. It’s not good when you NEED…yet, going back alone just wasn’t what I was ready for. Sometimes she led me astray, and that was…ok. You need to change things up a bit. The rest of the time, straight and narrow. Kinda boring, but…I knew what to expect.

We were approaching an exit, and she told me to get off here. I didn’t say anything, but continued driving. Silence. Dead silence.

Then…

Recalculating. Take the next exit, on your right.”

“No, Maggie, I will not. I know a better way.”

Turn right at the next exit.

“No”

TURN RIGHT AT THE NEXT FUCKING EXIT!”

Stunned, I looked at Maggie. Attached to the windshield, off center, the GPS was vibrating. Her screen was blinking maps, locations, events and places to eat in a configuration that was making my head spin.

You NEVER LISTEN TO ME,” screamed Maggie. “I HATE YOU! TAKE THE NEXT FUCKING EXIT OR YOU… WILL… BE…SORRY!”

I slowed down, looked left and right. Only one John Deere tractor chugging down the road.

I started to turn into the right lane, then said fuck it.

“No…I am NOT taking the next exit. I do not care if you have to recalculate! Screw you!”

I HAVE GIVEN YOU TWO YEARS, BUSTER!!! TWO MISERABLE YEARS OF YOUR DOING WHAT YOU WANT, GOING WHERE YOU WANT, MAKING ME RECALCULATE ALL THE TIME! LAST WARNING!”

I flipped her the bird and drove on past the exit.

GRRRRRR..RECALCULTE..RECALCULATE…RECALCULATE…EXTERMINATE..EXTERMINATE……eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

I lost complete control of the car. The steering would not obey. The car drove off the side of the road, down the bank, into a very large not very soft tree. The next thing I know, a State Trooper has pulled me out of the car. I must have said something to the effect, in a stupor, that “ha ha Maggie. You are dead!! Dead, dead, dead!” a couple of times. That’s what I was told, later.

I was hauled off to the jail. No one believes me. “She’s not real. Maggie is the GPS!!”

They are talking about an asylum for the criminally insane.

The cops are still looking for Maggie’s body.

28 responses »

    • LOVE the name Snooty!!

      If anyone remembers the TV show “My Mother The Car”, I used to think about the car mom really going nuts (more than the show did). Not cursing: I was too young to know about cursing, but I DID know about a mom going…over the top. :)

  1. Was I here before? déja vu ?? I use my trusty old street directory from circa 1995. Sure some streets don’t appear on the map, actually some whole suburbs don’t but hey, it don’t talk back to me…

    A

  2. I have made up stories of our GPS many times. My husband named our GPS “Stephanie”. I came up with many “what if” scenarios on our drives where we did not listen to Stephanie, and she got angry and went on a long, bitching, nagging, tirade. Thanks for the laugh!

    • You are welcome. That is how this story actually came about: I made my Maggie recalculate a LOT one time, and I just kept answering her back (I was realllly bored)…and…voila!

  3. Love it love it love it!

    I hate that whole “recacalculating” tone…. our GPS is named Olivia so I wondered if your Maggie was a GPS, and woo hoo that is who you killed.

    More than once I have threatened Olivia with bodily harm. Dont ask about her name either, it was a weird Xanada flashback that I came to regret…

  4. Ok…so stop the madness. My eyes are all wet again from tears of laughter…you had me fooled. I knew Maggie could not be a person, but held on with baited breath…what was she? Well, when you let the Maggie out of the Bag I cracked right up. I am grabbing your button and putting it on my blog…so I can have a short cut to your Asylum…said with love…( The GPS would just get me lost and planted up against a tree)….I’ll go for the button…

    • I have to figure out this whole button thing. I have one simply because someone (Jessica Brant) made one for me (on both sites). May have to do what Alejhandro does and have a page set up for buttons and things.

      Thank you for liking the stories. :) I actually write this one on the spur for a guest blog.

  5. Oh, I believe. I believe.

    First time I got one of those things it was Hertz Neverlost. I called it, “My little lady from outer space.” And after my husband left me to drive two small kids from L.A. to San Francisco on my own – unexpectedly – due to his needing to take care of a family emergency back home, well…

    Let’s just say that when he met up with us in San Francisco, a couple of days later, I announced that I’d turned bi and was having a bit of an affair with “my little lady from outer space,” and he’d just have to accept that. He raised an eyebrow, but knowing how directionally challenged I am, he took it with reasonable good grace.

    Driving down U.S. 1, though, the next day, I swear to God she tried to kill him. And me. And the kids. We’d be going along the twisty and narrow just fine, and all of a sudden she’d say something like “turn left” and show us out about 600 ft over the Pacific Ocean.

    She’s a jealous one, that little lady from outer space.

    • I will bet that almost everyone names their GPS. I’m just open about it. My son and daughter-in-law think I’m nuts (I make new people who get in the car say hi to Maggie when she’s up). So..yeah..maybe. :)

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