Category Archives: Narcissist

Screeching Fury

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campfire

(Credit: Pavelk/Shutterstock)

Screeching Fury

 

Everything is darkness.

Raging fires, flaring high above our heads

Distant light snuffed out by the night.

Wounds never heal; we ooze out of ourselves

Stuffing gauze pads, cover with bandages

Not closing, not lessening, never clotting

Infectious nature saturate places uncrossed

There is beauty in moments

When the glare inside is strong

But it fades, it fades

As more darkness surrounds.

 

For some, existence changes

Opening senses, letting them coexist

Abstract perceiving demands explanations

Or relief.

What should and what should not be

Or, hide from it all

Behind flickering words

On flickering screens

On flickering pen on paper

Being part, while apart

Everything is darkness.

Still, for some

Brightness endures.

 

 

 

The Essence Of

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Texting Block

Prompt: Write an Essential Character Trait: Put your thoughts in the comments: what are their essential character traits?

The Essence Of

 

Steve wanted to text Beth immediately after their first date. He sat in his car, going over every detail. Her long red hair. Beth’s yellow summer dress. The way her green eyes drew him in, peeking just above the mandatory face mask. Beth’s figure under that dress. The almost kiss. Sue’s coyness in blocking that.

“The virus,” she mentioned. Beth had gently pushed his hands down after he “accidentally” brushed her breasts. God, those breasts were on repeat in his mind at this point. He had been idling for a long time.

At full pitch arousal, Steve started his Volvo to head home. He had hummed for the entire seventy-two minutes on his drive home. Steve caught a glimpse of his face in the rearview mirror: the gleam from his pre-date dental routine made him grin that much more extensively. Killer smile he thought to his reflection.

Arriving home, Steve glided over the street to his front door. He slid the house key into the lock cylinder in a slow-motion movie style. Engaged, the turn of the key felt good. Very good.

Closing the door, Steve kicked off his Clark’s Oxfords. Unwinding the Paul Smith tie from his neck, Steve felt released. Off came the North & Mark Union blazer. He tossed both on the seat of the hallway chair. His delighted smile followed him as he slid Tom Cruise like across the polished floor.

Plopping on the couch, Steve pulled out his cell, checking the time. His mind was somersaulting. No text or voice mail from Beth. He waffled between texting now or later. Taking a deep breath in, Steve released the air as he thought: Just under two hours. Now’s good.  Yeah, that’s enough space.

Steve texted Beth. What a great time he had. How wonderful she is. Praised her eyes, hair, style. How much he couldn’t wait for their second date. Steve made sure they had concrete plans for a second date before Beth left. Date, time, and place: all secured. He finished the text with a repeat:

“I had a great time with you today. Getting to know you, to see you. I can’t wait for our first kiss.”

That got sent. Immediately followed by:

“See you next Sunday. 4:00 pm. I’m glad you liked the restaurant I chose. Food is great.”

Sent.

Followed by:

“You’re great. Wonderfully great. I’m over the moon that we hooked up.”

Steve sat on the couch, staring at his phone. His breathing went shallow while his left hand quivered. The day moved on; Steve did not. He had no idea why she hadn’t texted back. Beth always texted back within fifteen minutes or less as they did the dating dance. Tinder, of all places. Steve shook his head, the first external movement he controlled in the four hours, thirty-two minutes, and 29 seconds since he sent the last text.

A ding from the phone awakened his body. Beth texted! Steve began davening on the couch. His prayers; heard and answered. He opened the text.

“Hi, Steve. Yes, it was nice meeting you. Have a good night.”

Steve levitated off the couch and into the kitchen. He filled a glass of orange juice, topping it off with Vodka. Then another. He was giddy. Beth said that it was nice to meet him. She wished him a good night. Two more vodkas and OJ turned giddy into sloppy.

In the morning, Steve found himself on the kitchen floor. The cell phone still in his hand.

Before he got up from the floor, he texted Beth.

Nightmare Reflection: 2020 AtoZ Blog Challenge

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Reflection #atozchallenge 2020

 

NIGHTMARE REFLECTIONS

NIGHTMARES FROM AN UNBLEACHED SOUL

The AtoZ Blog Challenge 2020

Writing In Captivity

The AtoZ is a challenge. I take that seriously. Since 2011, my first foray into this, I have changed gears from year to year. I like stretching beyond my comfort zones. Some of it has been well taken in both Stats and comments. Others, like this year, not so much.

I am pleased with what I chose to do:  write 26 Lyrical Poems under the theme title. Write every day in April, except Sundays. I have written poetry before, many well received by the readers. But, I write in that style intermittently.

This was truly a challenging April.

If you’ve followed from April 1st  with Awakenings to Zealous O’er the Seas, you’ve experienced my venting, wistfulness, wishing, observations, and anger through my words. Some I rhymed on purpose, some I just let the words loose.

Every single poem was written with a genre of music or musician’s styling playing in my head. I did not intend to appropriate any specific song; it’s the overall mood they convey and are masters of. I’ve written songs before, but I have no knowledge of musical notation and I don’t play a musical instrument. I hear it inside and then turn to someone to collaborate with. From humming it out, setting the beats (as I see them), hearing it played,  gets me going. Seeing how the meter is off from one (or many) line(s) starts my rewrite of the lyrics if needed. Tweaking the piece, scrapping whole verses, you know: first to finished draft.

The music that drifted around me as I wrote the poem daily (I don’t pre-write) is varied:

  1. Big Band/Crooners; Folk music; Rap (as I understand it); Sea Shanties; Rock; Heavy/Thrash Metal; Alt Rock & Alt-Country; Punk; Romantic-ish; Blues; Singer/Songwriter.
  2. Artists:  Tom Waits; Leonard Cohen; The Kinks; Joni Mitchel; Peter Gabriel; Kate Bush; Sousie and the Banshees; Alestorm; Dean Martin; St. Vincent; later Beatles; Beck; The Clash; The Cure; and others that my mind can’t latch onto right now.

Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul

Why Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul? What does that mean, to you? What do you think it means to me? I asked that question near the end of the month and got one response.

Noor Anand Chawla wrote:

I think your title alludes to the fact that you lay yourself and perhaps your worst fears, bare to your audience, through these 26 pieces. “Nightmares” refer to your worst fears, and “unbleached soul” refers to the absence of restraint and being absolutely honest about your feelings.
Perhaps my explanation is too simplistic? What do you think?

Noor pretty much nailed it. I feel that nightmares go beyond our sleep. They are all around us. It could be people, situations, personal fears, perceived fears, and hurt that you feel has been done to you, or that you have done to yourself.

Noor also got the “Unbleached Soul” part. I would add to that when we follow the crowd, stop thinking on our own (or made to stop), refuse to look at things from another angle = Bleached. Soul or Mind: interchangeable.

Overall, I am a non-conformist. I despise the statement “We’ve always done it this way!” For me, there is no box for me to think out of. It’s been imposed on me time and again. Not my thing. I’m creative. I don’t always follow mindless rules, inflexible, with no desire to even listen to a different POV. Sometimes I’ve done that: those are the times I get headaches constantly and down more aspirin than I should.

Try Noor’s blog (link above). I think you’ll enjoy her writing.

Overall 

I love the AtoZ Blog Challenge. I’ve come across some amazing writers, and many have become online friends. Their pieces are varied from all types of fiction to creative non-fiction to reviews and more. That’s a big part of why I come back.

As I mentioned above, I like a challenge when writing. This gives me that opportunity with the potential to reach well beyond the people who follow me. I’m not hawking for new followers. The performer side of me wants people to want more, for the readers to take what they will from the piece that can touch them &/or make them think.

I am disappointed, again already mentioned, with my stats and comments this year. This was the smallest audience of all my years participating. I went out on a limb, poured a lot of what’s inside of me (as Noor mentioned), and while getting some amazing feedback I wonder what didn’t connect with others. Normally, I’ve had serialized stories that are long in length. I get that. Long posts are sometimes passed over, especially when you are blog hopping.

If I join in again next year, I have a lot of contemplation ahead of me.

Big thanks to Arlee Bird and all the other hosts who worked on this year’s Atoz Blog Challenge. It is obvious how much work they have put in. It shows in many ways.

Big thanks 2, to all of my readers, commenters, and supporters. Too many to name, but know your interaction is priceless.

Stay safe and healthy, everyone.

missionaccomplished

Zealous O’er the Seas: Nightmares from an Unbleached Mind, AtoZ Blog Challenge

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Z2020

NIGHTMARES FROM AN UNBLEACHED MIND

ZEALOUS O’ER THE SEAS

There was a ship tore o'er the sea
Zealous she was in name and in deed
We caught with ease all of our prey, 
Nary a one gave us a slip
The bounty was always plenty
Filling out hold to the deck.

Fill up our ale mugs and raise them high 
Give our Captain Bones a cheer
Hey!
Stalwart and brave, a rogue to his core
Captain Billy Jack Bones
HEY!

Billy Jack led the Zealous on many a wild chase
She was a fearsome sight to behold
With raised colors most tried to flee
As we came upon them
All the crews fought valiantly
But for them it came to naught

Fill up our ale mugs and raise them high
Give our Captain a cheer
Hey!
Stalwart and brave, a rogue to his core
Captain Billy Jack Bones
HEY!

Billy Jack entranced the women on each pirate isle
From St. Mary's Island came Jaquotte; Clew Bay gave up Sadie
Tortuga brought his Bonny; Ching Shih was from Port royal
At Barataria Bay he fell for Mary Read
His met his fate on New Providence, Anne Bonny

Fill up our ale mugs and raise them high
Give our Captain a cheer
Hey!
Stalwart and brave, a rogue to his core
Captain Billy Jack Bones
HEY!

The six hellions thought they his only bride
Given the news from the massive Black Ghost Ship 
Sailing out aboard the ship, the six brides did plan
To give Billy his comeuppance for once and evermore

Fill up our ale mugs and raise them high
Give our Captain a cheer
Hey!
Stalwart and brave, a rogue to his core
Captain Billy Jack Bones
HEY!

Captain Bones was surrounded, ale wenches four
All headed to his den, for pleasure and more
A blow to his noggin ended that display
Tethered to a mast he awoke to six deadly glares

Each bride flogged our Billy in turn, unmercifully
Anne Bonny approached him at the last, no whip in sight
Proud was our Captain, he stared into her eyes
Anne Bonny aimed her pistol; Billy Jack Bones was gone

So heed this tale when considering to wed
Be extra cautious with who you take to bed
Marriage vows are sacred; Offer no contempt
Or you'll live in agony beyond what was ever dreamt
Fill up our ale mugs and raise them high
Give our Captain some cheers
Hey! Hey!
Stalwart and brave, a rogue to his core
Was Captain Billy Jack Bones
HEY! HEY!

Captain Billy Jack Bones
HEY!

**************************************************************

**The female pirates, the pirate safe havens, the Zealous, are all part of Pirate history.  The HMS Zealous lived on in three different vessels. I moved the female pirates around for this story-song. The pirate havens were real. Plundering was real. 

Everything else was my creation.  Hey Hey!
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Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul theme is at its end. 26 lyrical poems written daily during the month of April (no Sundays). It began on April 1st and ended Thursday, April 30th. There is still one more piece to this year’s AtoZ Blog Challenge: we are asked to write our Reflections on the process, successes, thoughts, and any changes you might like to make. All the blogs that survived this Apri’s challenge will post their Reflections between May 4th to May 16th.

I will post my Reflections on either May 4th or 5th. I’ll let you know.

I hope you find new blogs that draw you in. If you wish to, go to The Master List.

I’ve asked a few questions along the way: what genre of music you think suits the lyrics best? Who or what style of music was in my head when I wrote these? My last one for the end:

  1. Why Nightmares From An Unbleached Soul?  
  2. I’m curious.: How do you interpret it
    1. for yourself?
    2. why do you think I chose that as my theme title?

     

Comments are always welcome.

HEY! HEY!

Two Bad: Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul, AtoZ Blog Challenge

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T2020

NIGHTMARES FROM AN UNBLEACHED SOUL

TWO BAD

In a vanilla life
Ain't got no wife
But there's two many
Causing me stress
So some rules got broken
Rules I never knew
And suddenly I'm the enemy
Not paranoid 'cause
I know it's a vendetta
And no, I won't bend down
Never will kiss that ass
I'd rather kick it hard
Just leave me the fuck alone.

All high and mighty
Gone to whatever mind you have
Grab others by their shorties
To do your bidding
Your lies are killing me.
You think you're a mastermind
You are so freaking blind
Ya Can't see the animosity
Seething inside of you
It's a call for something
But I ain't calling you
Go hide behind like you do
Just leave me the fuck alone.

What started out as two
Has turned to many
Get your shit together
I've reached my limit of
Your harassment & spittin'
Trying to break my cool
Not a fool. Not. A. Fool.
It's two bad for you
You just had to ignore me
Not sic your dogs upon me
Worrying at me like a bone
You'll be sorry for that
Just leave me
The fuck
Alone!

Take this any further
You won't like what I got
Standing in my corner
Time for any peace is gone
I'm not Mr Inconsiderate
Hell I know I'm not innocent
Of ignoring so called authority
You have done me wrong
I just have no time
Absolutely no time
No time at all
For your shit. 
Fuck off. 

******************************************************
Well, that was a pleasant little ditty. All warmth and sunshine. Ahhh. Hey, two days of sweet was good. Today’s anger comes for the letter T.

MUSICIANS, or people who know musicians, hear my call
I would love to find someone to collaborate with. Not every one of the 26 Lyrical Poems are winners, and most will need some tweaking. I would just love to hear some, or all of these, put to music.

My theme for this year’s AtoZ Blog Challenge is Nightmare from an Unbleached Soul. 26 Lyrical Poems throughout April, using the letters of the alphabet as our daily jumping off point. If you want to find blogs that match your interests, check out the Master List.

Comments are always welcome. Why you like the work, or don’t, helps me in honing what I love to do.

Thanks for stopping by.

Query Élan Vital: Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul, AtoZ Blog Challenge

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 Q2020

NIGHTMARES FROM AN UNBLEACHED SOUL

QUERY ÉLAN VITAL

What's the substance of consciousness? 
The public face that's worn; the other unknown.
Locked in & secure is the hypothesis
Of surviving another day all alone.

The nature of the world that is shown
Demanding expectations that aren't you
Comes in conflict with your moral tone
Become other than yourself, unglued. 

Qu'est-ce qui ne va pas?
                                       What's wrong with you? 
Chaque jour, vous endommagez votre âme!
                                       Every day you damage your soul! 
Défaillance fabriquée Hors de contrôle.
                                       Fabricated failure Is out of control. 
Aveugle pour le bien intérieur.
                                       Blind to the good inside. 
Pourquoi es-tu ici?
                                       Why are you here? 
Pourquoi?
                                       Why?


The mind is such a chaotic thing
Taking on more as it melts away
Dripping out as they pluck your strings
Life is a burden on tilted display. 

Numbness finds it's way into despair. 
Tightness in the heart beyond belief
Finding yourself balancing on a chair
Looking for answers, some relief.

¿Qué sucede contigo? 
                                          What's wrong with you? 
¡Cada día dañas tu alma! 
                                          Every day you damage your soul!
La falla fabricada está fuera de control. 
                                         Fabricated failure Is out of control.
Ciego a lo bueno por dentro. 
                                          Blind to the good inside.
¿Por qué estás aquí? 
                                          Why are you here?
¿Por qué?
                                           Why?
[Instrumental]

Nani ka mondaidesu ka?
                                          What's wrong with you?
yeder tog ir shedikn deyn nshmh!
                                          Every day you damage your soul!
Echèk fabrike Èske soti nan kontwòl.
                                          Fabricated failure Is out of control.
Cieco per il buono dentro.
                                          Blind to the good inside.
Limadha 'ant huna?
                                          Why are you here?
Why?                                      Why?
                           Why?

*********************************************************

Author’s Note:

For those that will ask:

The first chorus is in French.

The second one is in Spanish.

The third section has six languages. In order:
Japanese; Yiddish; Haitian Creole; Italian; Arabic; English.

Yes, I had music in my head as I did for every AtoZ entry.

I hope you liked it/were moved by it.

Comments are always welcome.

Lifeless: Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul, AtoZ Blog Challenge

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L2020

NIGHTMARES FROM AN UNBLEACHED SOUL

LIFELESS

Truly don't understand at all 
Why it's so hard to comprehend
How vacant inside feels nothing to hold
'Cept sadness or anger, dispair so deep
A tightly wound chest, an ecliptacal mind
So much that focus is blurry
At times to blind to see
Life blood pouring out of me
Bleeding...bleeding...bleeding
Because

Slouching around in decay
Locked inside this penitentiary
Things I enjoy-pfft. No interest at all.
A moment might reach me, but it gets flicked away
The hardness of the heart won't let anything in
Had enough of it, every life ever lived
Hope like hell this's the last ride
Can't take it anymore
My essence falls on the floor
Because

TiredI'mSoTiredDon'tKnowWhyI'mHereIsolationDoesntScareMeBeingAloneDragsMe
DownToThePointExistingJustHurtsGettingThrownAwayHappensTooMuchCan'tPassA
DayWithoutMedicalReliefDoesn'tLastForeverITalkToMyselfSometimesMyWordsFell
OutOfControlSensoryOverloadInsideAndOutWantToKnowWhatIsAllAbout   Because

Step into the world put the plastic face on
Don't wanna make them uneasy if answered in truth
So keep on lying that everything's fine
Few want to know what is really behind
Looking busy, everything's in control
Yet honestly, it's all eating at my soul
Shutting down is the eventual agenda
No plan is set; one day there might be
Essence and blood slips away easily
Because

INCONSIDERATE: Nightmares From An Unbleached Soul, AtoZ Blog Challenge

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I2020

NIGHTMARES FROM AN UNBLEACHED SOUL

INCONSIDERATE

I hold doors for all genders; it's my way
Thinking of others,whatever the day
Please and Thank You are always on cue
You're welcome follows whenever it's due
I'd give up my spot on a crowded bus or a train
But lately from another...no, no. I'll refrain.

It's a blast meeting someone with a pension for being polite
We could play Alfonse and Gaston all through the night
Winding up at a diner at dawn, stifling yawns, 
We drained out third cups of joe, out we go
Cracking smiles with late owls and overnight crew
But lately from another...no, no. I'll eschew. 

Now don't get me wrong, but some can make me blue
They've opinions that they are entitled to
But confrontations growled right out loud
Behind my back or in front of a crowd
Greed and jealousy are not part of my deck
But lately from another..oh well, what the heck.

Mr. Inconsiderate, without the Mr. is her stance
Facing each other we do an antagonistic dance
Yet she fails in her visions of superiority over me
Now any infractions that she perceives
Is handed to her flunky to handle. It's a crazy scene
But lately from another..oh well, she's just mean.

[The band]
HA YEAH
She's just mean

[sotto voce] 
Now you don't have to just take my word
Every encounter has been taped and observed
Big Sister is watching, tries to use this clout
To knock people off kilter, spinning all about

[Loud and call backs]
HEY BIG SISTER
              [HEY BIG SISTER]
I SAID HEY BIG SISTER
              [HEY BIG SISTER]
MR. INCONSIDERATE WON'T TAKE IT
              [HEY, WON'T TAKE IT]
AS TIMOTHY LEARY SAID, OH SO PRECISE
               [Oooo Oooo Ooooo]
I'll question your authority
Until you learn to play...
Nice. 
               
[spoken]
Maybe not even then!
Inconsideration is not in my purview
Right now? It's up to you.
Roll the dice. 
Ciao!




********************************************************

“I” had me in a holding pattern for most of the day.  Then a style of music, and singer, popped into my head. I’m glad I listen to so many types and genres.

Nightmares From An Unbleached Soul. 26 posts during April, a new Lyrical Poem with every post.

If you’d like to discover new blogs along interests you may have or want to explore, click on The Master List on the AtoZ Blogging Challenge page.

GROPING: (Trigger Warning) Nightmares From An Unbleached Soul, AtoZ Blog Challenge

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Edited:

WARNING

This Post MAY trigger something in you, personal or not. The title should alert the readers, but it’s my fault for not even contemplating this message. 

I apologize to any reader who got hit in the gut. That was not my attention. More men should wake up and not think of only their “needs” and urges.  Their pain should be your shame. 

 

G2020

NIGHTMARES FROM AN UNBLEACHED SOUL

GROPING

 

It's assault! It's abuse!
You molest by your touch
You fondle my privates
It enhances your lust
Keep on going, you pig,
It's against my will.
Shit for brains,
I said NO!

Summoned to the office
Pushed against a bar
A car ride home
Some places you  control
In your sick little mind
To feel me up
It's your "due!" Hey!
But I said NO!

Gropefest commences
Why don't you hear the NO?
Hand over mouth
No one hears screams deep within my soul.
You think I want this?
Ha! Only in your dreams
Hey Shit for brains,
I said NO!

No one believes me
Most don't want to hear
A groper now but
Rape is in the air
Justice gets served, on the TV
Real life? Why won't they listen to me?
I said STOP!
I said NO!

It's sexual abuse, sexual assault
Get off on what you thrust up
It's the power that
You think you have over me
Molestation was when you pawed up and down
Keep your hands to yourself
Keep you dick in your pants
I said NO; I said STOP

No 
No
No
NO
NO
NO
NO

STOP!



 

BÊTE NOIRE: Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul, AtoZ Blog Challenge

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B2020

Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul

BÊTE NOIRE

You mean nothing to me

But you’re up in my face

I would spit on your hair

It’s already out of place

You think you have power

It’s what passes for a mind

I don’t genuflect to you

Why don’t you…

 

Siccing your sycophants

No backbone we see

There’s piss on the floor

A posting is your scream

Snap your fingers; they run

While you bask in your cave

I won’t grovel to you

Why don’t you …

Why don’t you …

 

Do you want to confront me?

Do you want me to go?

Yell ten notches louder

You are out of control

A petty tyrant

Making a new 1984

I won’t put up with your shit

Why Don’t You

DIE!

 

Punch yourself in the face

WHY DON’T YOU DIE?

You’re a disgusting disgrace

WHY DON’T YOU DIE?

Nothing slimier than you

WHY DON’T YOU DIE?

I sneer in your face

WHY DON’T YOU DIE?

 

WHY DON’T YOU?

WHY DON’T YOU?

WHY DON’T YOU?

WHY

DON’T

YOU

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

Why don’t you?

Huh?

 

**************************************************************

You might think this about a certain someone. It’s not, but it could be. Walking nightmares all around us.

*MUSICIANS: would anyone like to collaborate? I have the music in my head, but I don’t play any instrument nor know how to transcribe into musical notation. Any interest, contact me at stuart.nager@gmail.com

Please leave comments below.

Thank you.