Category Archives: suicide

City Song, My

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Fuck the city

Overblown, hyperactive concrete and stone

Greasy street food; greasier people

Racing around, step on or over

Searching for the bright lights

Eclipsed by the shadows




To hell with the city

Nearly everyone’s oppressed

In some misguided way

Bend your neck, never knees,

As the fight to make it

Truth ends in buckets of the kill.




Screw the city

As it screws with you

Power, status, held in slimy claws

There’s heartache in the streets

Trod upon with running shoes.

You deserve what you get




Obliterate the city

Turn off the lights

You can’t see the stars shine

Blinded eyes obfuscate

Nothing to see here; move along

Dwindle yourself; something is wrong.




Fuck the city

Obsessiveness and greed

Hatred and fear

Isolated in ignorance

Shriek your outrage

Bellow your unscripted song.

 

Promises of People

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Darksit

Do I think living is a waste of time?

Depending on the day, I usually do

What stays with me in a world of No’s

Doesn’t make the future really glow. 

 

There’s sadness on a constant basis

There is no day that I don’t hurt

Even isolated from the isolated

The noises outside breaks into the room

 

Look at all you’ve got to live for

Imagine all the people who’d hurt

It is easy to get so distracted

By promises of people who say

 

Each day there’s awakening

Going through routines

Then you fall into that circle

Of repeating the same old things

 

What makes joy bleed away?

Why does nothing stick

Push away the best you can

But the pain is always there

The pain is always here

 

Look at all you’ve got to live for

Imagine all the people who’d hurt

It is easy to get so distracted

By promises of people who say

 

By the emotions they express

Or hide away in their own ways

When reaching out is near impossible

When no one wants to cope with you

 

So, scream your essence to pieces

Locked in your muddy head

Stop playing that you want to go on

I’m fine, I’m fine, fine.

 

Look at all you’ve got to live for

Imagine all the people who’d hurt

It is easy to get so distracted

By promises of people who say

 

I’m tired

I’m so tired

I wish I wasn’t here

Why am I wasting time?

 

Screeching Fury

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campfire

(Credit: Pavelk/Shutterstock)

Screeching Fury

 

Everything is darkness.

Raging fires, flaring high above our heads

Distant light snuffed out by the night.

Wounds never heal; we ooze out of ourselves

Stuffing gauze pads, cover with bandages

Not closing, not lessening, never clotting

Infectious nature saturate places uncrossed

There is beauty in moments

When the glare inside is strong

But it fades, it fades

As more darkness surrounds.

 

For some, existence changes

Opening senses, letting them coexist

Abstract perceiving demands explanations

Or relief.

What should and what should not be

Or, hide from it all

Behind flickering words

On flickering screens

On flickering pen on paper

Being part, while apart

Everything is darkness.

Still, for some

Brightness endures.

 

 

 

What It Is

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Crumbled mass of memories

Beating to remain

Drift away in pieces

Day by week

Week by month

Our chorus has refrained.

 

Let the days go by

Time is translucent

Affixed by artificial means

Seconds are meaningless

Hours, years, what do they share?

Try to keep track of this dark despair.

 

Say: “It’ll be over soon. We’ll return to normal.”

Hope that’s true, but, it’s written in the wind

Carved deep by our wants

Fashioned by others invested greed

It’ll all be over soon.

Hah! Don’t hold your breath.

 

Don’t cross my boundaries

While I obliterate yours

My space is limitless

Go back to other shores

I am eternally right

You know you’re always wrong.

 

Don’t come closer

Don’t you fucking dare.

Hide behind a wall of hate

Imagine I don’t give a shit

This world is for the taking

One breath will never come.

 

History becomes what we think

Nothing learned; ours to repeat

Our earth creeks and shakes

As it senses and retaliates

In the beginning, one

So at the end. None.

 

Crumbled mass of what we were

Bleeding to remain

Feeling wasted, dried to dust

Yet we wait behind closed doors

Time isn’t after us

Nothing is holding us.

 

**Apologies and credit to The Talking Heads.

 

Nightmare Reflection: 2020 AtoZ Blog Challenge

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Reflection #atozchallenge 2020

 

NIGHTMARE REFLECTIONS

NIGHTMARES FROM AN UNBLEACHED SOUL

The AtoZ Blog Challenge 2020

Writing In Captivity

The AtoZ is a challenge. I take that seriously. Since 2011, my first foray into this, I have changed gears from year to year. I like stretching beyond my comfort zones. Some of it has been well taken in both Stats and comments. Others, like this year, not so much.

I am pleased with what I chose to do:  write 26 Lyrical Poems under the theme title. Write every day in April, except Sundays. I have written poetry before, many well received by the readers. But, I write in that style intermittently.

This was truly a challenging April.

If you’ve followed from April 1st  with Awakenings to Zealous O’er the Seas, you’ve experienced my venting, wistfulness, wishing, observations, and anger through my words. Some I rhymed on purpose, some I just let the words loose.

Every single poem was written with a genre of music or musician’s styling playing in my head. I did not intend to appropriate any specific song; it’s the overall mood they convey and are masters of. I’ve written songs before, but I have no knowledge of musical notation and I don’t play a musical instrument. I hear it inside and then turn to someone to collaborate with. From humming it out, setting the beats (as I see them), hearing it played,  gets me going. Seeing how the meter is off from one (or many) line(s) starts my rewrite of the lyrics if needed. Tweaking the piece, scrapping whole verses, you know: first to finished draft.

The music that drifted around me as I wrote the poem daily (I don’t pre-write) is varied:

  1. Big Band/Crooners; Folk music; Rap (as I understand it); Sea Shanties; Rock; Heavy/Thrash Metal; Alt Rock & Alt-Country; Punk; Romantic-ish; Blues; Singer/Songwriter.
  2. Artists:  Tom Waits; Leonard Cohen; The Kinks; Joni Mitchel; Peter Gabriel; Kate Bush; Sousie and the Banshees; Alestorm; Dean Martin; St. Vincent; later Beatles; Beck; The Clash; The Cure; and others that my mind can’t latch onto right now.

Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul

Why Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul? What does that mean, to you? What do you think it means to me? I asked that question near the end of the month and got one response.

Noor Anand Chawla wrote:

I think your title alludes to the fact that you lay yourself and perhaps your worst fears, bare to your audience, through these 26 pieces. “Nightmares” refer to your worst fears, and “unbleached soul” refers to the absence of restraint and being absolutely honest about your feelings.
Perhaps my explanation is too simplistic? What do you think?

Noor pretty much nailed it. I feel that nightmares go beyond our sleep. They are all around us. It could be people, situations, personal fears, perceived fears, and hurt that you feel has been done to you, or that you have done to yourself.

Noor also got the “Unbleached Soul” part. I would add to that when we follow the crowd, stop thinking on our own (or made to stop), refuse to look at things from another angle = Bleached. Soul or Mind: interchangeable.

Overall, I am a non-conformist. I despise the statement “We’ve always done it this way!” For me, there is no box for me to think out of. It’s been imposed on me time and again. Not my thing. I’m creative. I don’t always follow mindless rules, inflexible, with no desire to even listen to a different POV. Sometimes I’ve done that: those are the times I get headaches constantly and down more aspirin than I should.

Try Noor’s blog (link above). I think you’ll enjoy her writing.

Overall 

I love the AtoZ Blog Challenge. I’ve come across some amazing writers, and many have become online friends. Their pieces are varied from all types of fiction to creative non-fiction to reviews and more. That’s a big part of why I come back.

As I mentioned above, I like a challenge when writing. This gives me that opportunity with the potential to reach well beyond the people who follow me. I’m not hawking for new followers. The performer side of me wants people to want more, for the readers to take what they will from the piece that can touch them &/or make them think.

I am disappointed, again already mentioned, with my stats and comments this year. This was the smallest audience of all my years participating. I went out on a limb, poured a lot of what’s inside of me (as Noor mentioned), and while getting some amazing feedback I wonder what didn’t connect with others. Normally, I’ve had serialized stories that are long in length. I get that. Long posts are sometimes passed over, especially when you are blog hopping.

If I join in again next year, I have a lot of contemplation ahead of me.

Big thanks to Arlee Bird and all the other hosts who worked on this year’s Atoz Blog Challenge. It is obvious how much work they have put in. It shows in many ways.

Big thanks 2, to all of my readers, commenters, and supporters. Too many to name, but know your interaction is priceless.

Stay safe and healthy, everyone.

missionaccomplished

Wounded Hovering: Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul, AtoZ Blog Challenge

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W2020

NIGHTMARES FROM AN UNBLEACHED SOUL

WOUNDED HOVERING

Keep the head down, take in a breath
Arms tight across the chest, hold hold
legs are rooted to the floor, hold hold
Relase stone shoulders, and 
Collapse and sprawl, release
Exhale Exhale Exhale

Walking through a crowd
Stop to find a calling path
Others push past, not perceived
Invisible to all that mill about
Need to scream gets cancelled out
Deep breath in, and hold

Sit at home, so few reach out
The initiator receives no replies
Excuses made feel like lies
While gatherings swirl about
Not a second thought, or third
Deep breath in, and hold

Shutting down becomes the norm
Someone checks in, clouds start to fray
Disconnect. Nothing changed anyway
Find happiness, find joy
Can't take in, they bounce away
Hold breath deep, then exhale

Look forward, but it's a blur
Calls for help aren't heard
Windows beckon to so much more
Stillness seeps inside
Distress and fear halts the way
Deep breath in, hold, exhale

What is superficial?
What is true?
So confused as what to do
Disconnect and hide
Completely numb inside
Breath, hold, exhale

Deep breath in
Hold Hold
Exhale

Deep breath in
Hold 
Hold

Hold

hold

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I don’t care if Monday’s Blue or Black or it makes me hold my head or even if it all falls apart…We’re in the last week of the AtoZ Blog Challange with the letter W.

MUSICIANS, or people who know musicians, hear my call I would love to find someone to collaborate with. Not every one of the 26 Lyrical Poems are winners, I know that. Many will need some tweaking if I take this further. I would just love to hear some, or all of these, put to music. Anyone knows, please email me.

My theme for this year’s AtoZ Blog Challenge is: Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul. 26 lyrical poems during the month of April (no Sundays). It started on April 1st and ends this Thursday on April 30th. After that, a week or two later you’ll be able to find Reflections on the experience. I hope you found new blogs to like and follow. If you still wish to, go to The Master List.

I’ve asked a few questions along the way: what genre of music you think suits the lyrics best? Who or what style of music was in my head when I wrote these? My last one for the week:

  1. Why Nightmares From An Unbleached Soul?  
  2. I’m curious.: How do you interpret it
    1. for yourself ?
    2. why do you think I chose that as my theme title?

Comments are always welcome.

Unto The Dark: Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul, AtoZ Blog Challenge

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U2020

NIGHTMARES FROM AN UNBLEACHED SOUL

UNTO THE DARK

Artificial light blazes in every room
The dark is out there, waiting
Things come out wanting me
Looking for their way inside

The blackness wants to be my friend
There is nothing true in that at all
The things start screaming to their delight
I don't know where to hide.

In a rational mind I've been told
That Night only compliments Day
Dismissing the fear I feel is real 
Is that a different platitude?

Light diffused seems to dim
I can barely make out anything
A pounding on the ceiling and the floor
Then all the bulbs shut down.

Darkness steps inside
It instantly invades my space
No longer soul solitude
Wrapping itself over and within

"friends" it whispers along my spine
It brings the lurkers from outside
Blather and mewls turn me about
They're savagely eating at my brain

And I am swept away
From safety and comfort
Tossed into a silent misamas
Lost in my dark thoughts.

As the dark integrates
I disappear. 



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When I get to reflections after April has gone its way I will do my best to “name” the music genre, style, and if there was any one group or solo artist I had running around my head at the time. Anyone care to take a shot?

MUSICIANS, or people who know musicians, hear my call
I would love to find someone to collaborate with. Not every one of the 26 Lyrical Poems are winners, and most will need some tweaking. I would just love to hear some, or all of these, put to music.

My theme for this year’s AtoZ Blog Challenge is Nightmare from an Unbleached Soul. 26 Lyrical Poems throughout April, using the letters of the alphabet as our daily jumping off point. If you want to find blogs that match your interests, check out the Master List.

Comments are always welcome. Why you like the work, or don’t, helps me in honing what I love to do.

Thanks for stopping by.

Query Élan Vital: Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul, AtoZ Blog Challenge

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 Q2020

NIGHTMARES FROM AN UNBLEACHED SOUL

QUERY ÉLAN VITAL

What's the substance of consciousness? 
The public face that's worn; the other unknown.
Locked in & secure is the hypothesis
Of surviving another day all alone.

The nature of the world that is shown
Demanding expectations that aren't you
Comes in conflict with your moral tone
Become other than yourself, unglued. 

Qu'est-ce qui ne va pas?
                                       What's wrong with you? 
Chaque jour, vous endommagez votre âme!
                                       Every day you damage your soul! 
Défaillance fabriquée Hors de contrôle.
                                       Fabricated failure Is out of control. 
Aveugle pour le bien intérieur.
                                       Blind to the good inside. 
Pourquoi es-tu ici?
                                       Why are you here? 
Pourquoi?
                                       Why?


The mind is such a chaotic thing
Taking on more as it melts away
Dripping out as they pluck your strings
Life is a burden on tilted display. 

Numbness finds it's way into despair. 
Tightness in the heart beyond belief
Finding yourself balancing on a chair
Looking for answers, some relief.

¿Qué sucede contigo? 
                                          What's wrong with you? 
¡Cada día dañas tu alma! 
                                          Every day you damage your soul!
La falla fabricada está fuera de control. 
                                         Fabricated failure Is out of control.
Ciego a lo bueno por dentro. 
                                          Blind to the good inside.
¿Por qué estás aquí? 
                                          Why are you here?
¿Por qué?
                                           Why?
[Instrumental]

Nani ka mondaidesu ka?
                                          What's wrong with you?
yeder tog ir shedikn deyn nshmh!
                                          Every day you damage your soul!
Echèk fabrike Èske soti nan kontwòl.
                                          Fabricated failure Is out of control.
Cieco per il buono dentro.
                                          Blind to the good inside.
Limadha 'ant huna?
                                          Why are you here?
Why?                                      Why?
                           Why?

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Author’s Note:

For those that will ask:

The first chorus is in French.

The second one is in Spanish.

The third section has six languages. In order:
Japanese; Yiddish; Haitian Creole; Italian; Arabic; English.

Yes, I had music in my head as I did for every AtoZ entry.

I hope you liked it/were moved by it.

Comments are always welcome.

Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul, AtoZ Blog Challenge

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N2020

NIGHTMARES FROM AN

UNBLEACHED SOUL

Nothing to see here. 
Mind your mind. 
Crowds swirl around you
Chatter in your face
And you know you're not the only one
That blindly follows a crooked line. 

One day you comprehend
Your soul feels misaligned
Don't let your mind wander so.
A constricted life is your place
They always screamed NO! Stay in line
You're firmly entrenched in their box.

You're living with a conflicted soul
Looking for a life beyond control
Reaching out for what you want
A slap on the hand brings you about.

Suffocating walls in your dreams
Choking out the best of you
You struggle to breakout; it's in vain
Punished for not following rules
Chipping away at what makes you, you 
You're mashed into a social stew. 

Everyday feels the same
Inane queries come your way
Stomach is always tied in knots
Your bones are coming all unglued
A wicked headache that just won't quit
There's a need to run but you're anchored down.

You're living with a conflicted soul
Looking for a life beyond control
Reaching out for what you want
A slap on the hand brings you about.

You're dying with a conflicted soul
Looking for a life of nonconformity
Reaching out for what you need
A slap on the face brings you about.

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Author’s Note:

A day late, again. Because I write my posts day by day (yes, I don’t rewrite anything to make this easier on me) things can, and do, veer me into anything other than sitting down to write a Lyrical Poem.

Also, this challenge I gave myself is harder than I thought. Lyrical Poetry spurred on by the music in my head and the theme. I will make it, hopefully without any more bumps or snags.

If you are just tuning in, welcome. We’re a tiny bit past the halfway point of the AtoZ Blog Challenge. 26 posts during April, Sundays off for good behavior. We come up with a theme and start on April 1st with the letter “A”. If you care to start from the beginning, click on Awakenings.

There is a wide variety of blogs that you can discover by going to the Master List. I do my darnedest to blog hop every day. Support is a good thing.

I hope you enjoy the theme Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul, which is also today’s “N” spot. Well, technically yesterday’s shouldhavebeen post. I’ll get to “O” a few minutes after posting.

Comments are always welcome.

Lifeless: Nightmares from an Unbleached Soul, AtoZ Blog Challenge

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L2020

NIGHTMARES FROM AN UNBLEACHED SOUL

LIFELESS

Truly don't understand at all 
Why it's so hard to comprehend
How vacant inside feels nothing to hold
'Cept sadness or anger, dispair so deep
A tightly wound chest, an ecliptacal mind
So much that focus is blurry
At times to blind to see
Life blood pouring out of me
Bleeding...bleeding...bleeding
Because

Slouching around in decay
Locked inside this penitentiary
Things I enjoy-pfft. No interest at all.
A moment might reach me, but it gets flicked away
The hardness of the heart won't let anything in
Had enough of it, every life ever lived
Hope like hell this's the last ride
Can't take it anymore
My essence falls on the floor
Because

TiredI'mSoTiredDon'tKnowWhyI'mHereIsolationDoesntScareMeBeingAloneDragsMe
DownToThePointExistingJustHurtsGettingThrownAwayHappensTooMuchCan'tPassA
DayWithoutMedicalReliefDoesn'tLastForeverITalkToMyselfSometimesMyWordsFell
OutOfControlSensoryOverloadInsideAndOutWantToKnowWhatIsAllAbout   Because

Step into the world put the plastic face on
Don't wanna make them uneasy if answered in truth
So keep on lying that everything's fine
Few want to know what is really behind
Looking busy, everything's in control
Yet honestly, it's all eating at my soul
Shutting down is the eventual agenda
No plan is set; one day there might be
Essence and blood slips away easily
Because